Izzabella. Seventeen years ago. ^^

[J]

I'm leaving him tonight. I must. I'm so frightened but I know I must leave. What would he do if he found out about the child I'm carrying? Would he kill us both or would he turn it into some sort of monster?

I loved him, at one time. At a time that I was so naive and couldn't see the truth. Maybe he really does care about me but I don't know anymore. I'm so confused I don't think I'd be able to see the truth of things if it was right in front of me. He doesn't care for lives but his own. So many have died and so many will die. I don't think I can keep my sanity if I stay with him, let alone my own life.

[J]

I find myself trying to write him a letter. A note, something that will explain why I'm leaving but I can't. I don't know what to say. I don't want to hurt him, I guess I still love him and yet I don't.

I'm confused, I know. I also know I have to leave.

I've wasted so many pieces of paper. After a long time I finally wrote one that had everything I needed to say without giving away the fact that I am carrying a child.

When I went back to read it I realized I'd cried so hard the ink was running. I couldn't bring myself to write it again. I feel as if my heart was glass and someone threw it against the wall shattering into such small pieces it can never be fixed.

[J]

This one is before the above. c:


My shoulder hurts really badly but I guess it was worth it. I snuck into the castle to search for my brother to tell him about our parents but I sort of got lost. The people in the front said I couldn't enter the castle without permission but to hell with that. I needed to tell my brother and they weren't about to stop me.

Well I didn't find him but I did save the ruler, I guess the king is what he's considered. I was trying to find my way and ended up somewhere else and I saw this man and I knew he didn't belong there. He was hiding in the shadows so apparently no one else could see him. The King was busy talking to someone and the guards weren't looking up. I watched as he pulled out an arrow and fitted it into the bow. I knew I only had seconds to act. Either let him shoot or push the King.

I went with the second option of course. I was told that the arrow barely missed my own heart by an inch. When I woke up I was in a bed and there was a man standing near the door watching me. He asked why I saved the King and I told him anyone would have done it. He's the king, anyone would sacrifice their life for his.

He laughed and called me so naive. I didn't really understand though. I think his name was Hunter, I can't really remember but he said that when I was better I was to go and speak with the King and then I passed out.

[J]

Everyone was surprised at how fast I got better. It's not that I'm better exactly but I hate laying around on the stupid bed doing nothing. I didn't break my legs so I can still walk around, even if it does hurt.


I've been here for a few days now and I find the place interesting.
Okay, okay maybe it's not the place so much but him.

[J]

There's a huge library and I was flipping through a book and I found a page that talked about healing. I got this idea that maybe I could heal myself and well it worked out but then Shyam entered the room at the exact moment. He practically dragged me to go speak to Kakios saying I had probably planned on the whole attack just to gain Kakios confidence and then kill him. I thought it was the stupidest thing ever.

I explained everything to Kakios about the magic or whatever they call it. Shyam said the healing isn't the basic magic and I was even tired by it. I was but just a little. He said I must have practiced this before. I told him I did have things like that happen before but I was to little and had forgotten them. Kakios believed me but Shyam didn't. He's a strange character and always seems to be watching me.

[J]

I haven't had much time to write. I was around for a few more days when Shyam pointed out that now I was healthy enough to leave but I didn't want to because of Kakios. I've been going out and watching the angels, observing them. I visit the Dark Forest to but mostly I'm in Ciel.

My first time there was with another Human and Shyam. I would have preferred not going with him but apparently he's pretty high up in the ranks and Kakios trusts him. The angels are amazingly beautiful but they are really full of themselves. I've spent most of my time at the castle though. At first all I did was spy but as I was waiting to speak to Kakios about my next mission and I overheard him and a few others talking about some problem they were having. I thought the answer was pretty obvious but apparently not. I pointed it out and they were sort of amazed. They'd been working for awhile now to fix the problem and here I come and in seconds I know the solution.

They told me a quick thinking so that's what I'm used for. The time I'm not out I spend with Kakios. Most of the time I just lie in his arms without saying a word. I could stay that way forever and life is horrible when It can't be that way. Every time I see him my heart just skips a beat. But the time we spend together is kept hidden from everyone.

I'm falling in love with him. He's like my drug and I'm completely addicted. I hate having to go on missions because sometimes I spend days without speaking to him. I find myself doing crazy things, keeping myself on the edge when I'm away. Not crazy enough to put our mission at risk but things that aren't really necessary. It keeps me from having to think about him. It distracts me from missing him.

[J]

I told him today. I told him that I loved him. I think we both knew it already but I finally said it to him and now places are sore that have never been sore before.

Our love is a secret though. No one can know because they would try to hurt me, that's what Kakios says. His enemies would hurt me to get to him. I love him so much I might actually burst. He's the only thing that matters now and I don't even remember why I came to this place because all that matters is him.

Oh crap. I came here to speak to my brother but I completely forgot. My love for Kakios distracted me. I need to find him, I never told him about our parents. I'll ask Kakios for help to find him. Now I feel like crap for forgetting about my own brother. But I still feel in love. So that makes me feel worse for forgetting someone who is my family, my only family left.

[J]

Yesterday was...interesting.

We were having dinner with a few generals and other important followers of Kakios. It was quiet boring really. I was sitting to the left of Kakios and I'm not sure what got into me at the time. I guess boredom makes you do things you wouldn't do, especially with people right there. If they just happened to glance down they would have seen and then everyone would have found out about us.

I let my hand rest on Kakios knee, he didn't pull away or move my hand away. He just gave me a side glance but continued speaking to the others at the table. Slowly my hand drifted upwards. Kakios practically choked on his food and everyone asked him if he was okay. He just nodded without looking at me. Still he didn't move my hand from where it was.

My hand moved around teasingly and I had to hand a sly smiled behind my other hand that wasn't down there. I think he was trying his back not to let out any noises and he seemed flustered. It was kind of amusing to me and even though he was having trouble speaking to those at the table I knew he was enjoying it. It was risky and we could have been discovered but we weren't. Why would anyone look under a table?

After a few more minutes a pulled my hand away. His hand found mine and pulled it back but I pulled away. Maybe then he'd speed things along with these people. He did.

[J]

I have to leave tomorrow on a mission. Two forsaken are coming with me and so is Shyam. I usually go with a few and I don't mind but now I have to go with Shyam and well, I don't really like him much. It'll take a week to finally come back. One whole week without Kakios.
I can't help but sigh at this. He's watching me as I write, he wants to know what I'm writing about but I say nothing.

I'm becoming better with magic at a fast rate. I've been told that I use magic so easily, it just comes naturally I guess. It doesn't tire me as it should when one first learns so I can learn faster. The hard part is remembering each spell so I have to basically learn the language first so that I can fully understand everything, that's taking awhile.

I'm going to stop writing now. I want to spend each possible moment with Kakios. I love him so much.

[J]

I should be dead right now. Our missions went wrong. We got ambushed at Ciel, I'm not even sure how they knew about us. We were dressed as any human should be dressed that came into Ciel. We did nothing but stroll around but somehow they knew we were spies. It was our last day there, we'd spent nearly a week there.

There were to many angels I could barely defend myself against them. The way they used their sword were amazing really. I slipped, losing my footing. I fell down a waterfall, there's many in Ciel. This one was huge. I plunged into the water and everything went dark. I couldn't swim to the surface. I couldn't breathe. The pain was horrible.

When I woke up I was looking up at the sky laying on the ground. I tried getting up but nearly passed out from the pain. The waterfall was big and there were many rocks at the bottom, I was lucky to have lived so far. I took deep breaths trying to focus on what hurt but it felt as if everything hurt. My right leg was broken. My hip was probably dislocated and I think maybe my spine was probably broken as well. I needed to heal myself but there were to many broken things and healing broken bones were hard to heal. I healed my spine first and then passed out. It took a lot to heal that.

I woke up again at night, I didn't know how many days had gone by. Maybe it was just an hour or maybe a day, maybe more. I was starving but it still hurt to move around. I looked at my arm, it was twisted at an impossible angle. I tired to fix it but the pain was horrible. I passed out again and when I awoke I was lying in a bed. There was an elf nearby looking tired and frail. She told me I needed to rest. I could only nod.

It took another six days to be able to get up from the bed. By then she'd been able to heal all the broken bones. I was still tired and sitting up took a lot of energy out of me. I slept again waking up a day later. I slowly regained my energy. I'd spent more then a week there and who knows how many days lying in the forest.

I came back to the castle, everyone thought I had died. Kakios had thought I died as well. I found him in his room before the servants could tell him I was alive and well. He had such sadness in his eyes but when he saw me he lit up. I held him close to me never wanting to let go of him again. I'd spent nearly a month away.

[J]

I haven't done much this past week, other then Kakios. Oh, that came off a little wrong. Izzy chuckles.
Well I suppose that part is true as well. I meant though that I've spent most of my time with him. Just being in his arms feels safe. I can feel the rise and fall of his chest right now while I write.
I thought the one good thing about my group being ambushed was the Shyam was probably dead, I was wrong. He was apparently the only one who survived and he didn't seem to happy to see my alive. When is he ever happy to see me?
I'm just happy that-
Kakios kind of messed up my writing by stirring. I think he's probably waking up.
I realized today that I never knew the elf's name who saved me, that makes me feel pretty lousy.
I'm ending my entry here, Kakios is waking up and I don't won't to spend any precious seconds without him.

[J]

Last night was beautiful, well any moment with Kakios is beautiful. Everything just seems right around him. Everything just feels perfect. Everything is fine and everything is peaceful. There's no gravity. I can't feel anything but love. Everytime I see him my heart skips a beat and beats so loud I'm sure he'll be able to hear it.

The moon yesterday was so big and full. It illuminated everything so perfectly. We had a picnic, sort of. It's not like we ran off to some nice grassy area in the forest. It was in the gardens but everything looked even better then having a picnic in the sunlight with a basket of food. The moon was better then the sun that moment. Kakios stood there waiting for me smiling. God he looked so beautiful. So perfect.

I stayed in his arms the entire time. I fell asleep in them and I felt sad when we had to leave. If only we could stay that way forever. I'd do anything for him, anything to see him happy. His smiles and kisses are something I just can't live without.

[J]

It's hard having to hide what we have. Everytime I see him I can't help but smile. I always just went to be wrapped up in those arms and never move, never leave. He says it's to dangerous though. He always says that if his enemies found out they would hurt me just to hurt him but I'm tired of the secrecy. I just want to shout it out to the world.

He leaves me roses all the time and I find it very sweet. They come in different colors but I love the orange peach colored the best. He leaves them for me here and there and it always bring a smile to my face.

I've forgotten about my brother again. This time I swear I'm going to start looking for him. I've been here now for 4 months and I haven't even bothered to look for him so I'd better start.

[J]

He's dead. I just found out today. I can't help but feel guilty since he died two months ago and here I've been enjoying myself. Another thing I can't but think about is if maybe I'd found him as soon as I showed up here he wouldn't be dead. Maybe he would have given up his position here and setteled down somewhere else. After all, everything of my parents was left to him since he was the boy and also older then me.

Kakios tells me it isn't my fault but I feel so guilty. I feel like crap right now.

[J]

So I'm sort of lost right now. I'm not sure how I ended up here, it's sort of a blur. I read Kakios note and sort of lost it. He feels guilty for my brothers death but it's not his fault. I had to find him to tell him that. I searched the castle but couldn't find him and then I dunno what happened after that. It was sort of a blur. I just woke up in the middle of the forest clutching this and his note.

I'm not even sure how long I've been here just crying. I need to get out of here but more then that I need to find Kakios. I guess I'd better put his note in here so I don't lose it.

Dear Izzabella,
I want you to remember that I love you. It is not your fault your brother died. I should have told you that he died long before I did. I feel guilty.
I have to leave, for your sake. I will return in a week, perhaps longer. I cannot tell you the reason of my quick departure, again, for your safety.
I love you.

Kakios.